Rewrite!

When the only thing you like about a WIP is the title it may be a sign that you really just need to start the whole thing over. That’s what I’ve decide to do with my SFR (Science Fiction Romance) story. I really feel it’s something I must do. I just don’t like anything I’ve written so far except the title.  Maybe part of the problem is that my title (Dark World Warriors – Tarkir) is way more exciting then the 800 or so words I have written so far in the story. Reading what I have now, it comes across to me like a YA story and that’s definitely not what I foresaw with this idea. So everything but the title has to go. Below is what I have done so far on this story. I’ll archive it so I can go back and see if I can salvage anything for the restart.

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Illuminated only by the lights from the consoles, the small bridge crew worked silently at their posts. Stars, dotting the darkness, were mere blurs as the speedy Zenith class ship sliced through space. Standing in front of the Captain’s chair Sh’alana Rai’lyn, First Daughter of King Aa’ron Rai’lyn, was motionless, her eyes never moving from the large viewing port across the bridge from where she stood.

“Report.”

The brief demand was answered with short, terse replies from the crew surrounding her.

“Tactical ready.”

“Navigation on course.”

“Scanning for target.”

“Engineering normal.”

There was no need for Sh’alana to respond. The small crew had severed under her on the much larger Reaver class battlecruiser, Invader. She had asked for volunteers for this mission and had been pleased when the four brightest of her crew had stepped forward. Each crewmember aboard the small, sleek lightcruiser Scythe understood the reason for this mission. They also understood and accepted that it would likely be a one-way trip. The future of their home world Acriea depended on the outcome of it.

Sh’alana’s eyes locked onto the dark space centered in the viewing port. It stood out noticeable among the bright pinpricks of the stars surrounding it. She frowned. From Lel’eiona’s home world of Acriea it had looked like a wide smear of darkness. However, from the bridge of the Scythe, looked more like a v shaped hole punched into the space around it. Realizing her crew was waiting for her to speak again, Sh’alana relaxed slightly, stepping back and dropping into the chair in the center of bridge. She turned to the slim, dark haired woman operating the Engineering station as well as handling all communications.

“Ai’leene,” the woman looked at Sh’alana, her face smooth and a slight smile on her lips. “Scan for any ships in the sector. Tell any that you find that this sector is now closed to all traffic and under my control.”

“Yes, Commander.”  She nodded, turning back to the smooth surface of her control panel. Her hands flew over its surface. A soft ping sounded after a few seconds. “No ships found within this sector Commander Rai’lyn.”

“Ai’leene?” Sh’alana uttered on a sigh. The woman turned once again to her commanding officer. A small smile played around the corners of her mouth.

“Commander?”

“Drop the Commander shit Ai’leene.” She looked around the bridge. “It’s just us and this isn’t the Invader. We all know how this mission could turn out and we’ve been together too long to be formal now.” It was true; the five of them had been together from the first day of cadet training. They had been assigned to the same ships as they rose through the ranks. When she had taken control of the Invader, she had brought them with her. They were more than her crew; they were her friends. She trusted them with her life. Just as they trusted her with theirs.

 

 

Astronomers on Acriea had discovered a moving darkness in space, at the far reaches of their galaxy. At first it was thought to be a rouge asteroid, drawn into the Lel’eiona galaxy by the pull of its twin suns. But as time passed, those watching the object grew alarmed. They could see nothing in the Darkness. No light was seen escaping from it; it was a black void in space. One that seemed to be accelerating, on a direct path to Acriea. As it journeyed across space, it crossed paths with a small, ice encased planet on the outer fringes of the galaxy. Instead of impacting with the small planet, it flowed over and around it, like a slow moving mud flow. As the ice planet disappeared from those watching from afar, a brief white flash flared. Then nothing; only the Darkness now moving at a faster pace.

The astronomers at the Academy of Sciences tracking the Darkness couldn’t decide what it was. Most thought it was massive debris field of some distant star that had imploded. But a few of the younger scientists believed it was artificially created. A weapon maybe? The Darkness swallowed anything in its path leaving nothing but blackness in its wake. With no clear answers as to what it was, King Rai’lyn had ordered probes launched from space docks orbiting Acriea. There was hope that the information sent back from the probes would shed light on the Darkness. But just like the ice planet it had consumed, the Darkness swallowed the probes and no information was returned.  With the failure of the probes, it was decide to send a small manned mission investigate the Darkness.

Ze’non  Ant’reas , Military Commander of all Lel’eiona forces, called for volunteers for a five person team for the journey to the edge of the Darkness.  Once there, the crew would evaluate what the Darkness and assess if it could turned away from Acriea and the Lel’eiona galaxy. Alternatively, they would destroy it.  The questions was, could it even be destroyed?

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3 thoughts on “Rewrite!

  1. So what’s wrong with it, Colls? What are you struggling with? I think it’s great. Grabs you right away. What’s your plot, your goal? Don’c chuck it just yet. Give it a little while longer to germinate. {{{Colls}}}

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    • I just reads as kind of juvenile to me. I feel I need a darker opening scene with more action. The plot was for two warriors, one female defending her race/galaxy meets invading force lead by ruthless leader and how they come together to find each other. Lots os “action” in all ways. I’m keeping what I have but will try to rewrite the first chapter or two.

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